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Outsourcing Sickness

Americans are getting sick at an alarming rate - driven largely by an epidemic of obesity and lack of access to preventative health care by millions of citizens.

Over 45 million have no health insurance - either by choice or because it is not available at an affordable cost.

Therefore, we should be outsourcing sickness. Whenever an American feels he or she may be coming down with something, we will simply have the person call a toll-free number and explain the symptoms. A doctor at the off-shore site will figure out what malady is at the root cause, and a willing non-American will voluntarily become ill and be paid $1.00 per hour to be sick by the US government. This rate of pay is more than six times the amount that person would be making if he or she was working, yet only a small fraction of the costs of providing actual health care to a sick American. And the savings to America are further magnified by the fact the American continues to work (if employed) and pay taxes.

When American factory workers lose an hour of work due to sickness, they lose $8 to $45 an hour in wages, but a Honduran or sub-Saharan African can miss an entire day of work and only forfeit no more than 15 cents - which is more than compensated by the $1.00 per hour sick pay.

Another benefit is that expensive, risky, or experimental treatments that American insurers typically deny to sick Americans can affordably be delivered and administered overseas.

And due to the appalling working conditions in most overseas factories, death rates of workers virtually assure a large, continuous supply of donated organs.

When asked whether outsourcing sickness is a good strategic move for American businesses, the CEO of a Fortune-500 corporation stated "Although it clearly makes economic sense, we generally only outsource processes that are not our core competencies - and sickness, for most Americans, seems to be at the heart of what we do best in this country. But in this case, since it appears we won't make our end-of-quarter numbers again, this seems like a viable way to meet our stockholder expectations.

"Given the amount of money that can be saved for each employee whose illness is shipped overseas, maybe we shouldn't have laid off so many people to make LAST quarter's numbers," he added.

June, 2008